Flann O'Coonassa is the best selling author of ‘Beating the Breathalyzer: the Garlic Escape’, ‘Avoisioning the Taxman’, and ‘Was Jesus Obese?’ He was born circa 1922 in a slurry pit just outside Leitrim. The delivery was so traumatic that neither mother nor father survived.

Raised by wild cows until the age of 19, Flann was spotted and rescued by a local farmer who observed his attempt to mount a bull in an apparent act of bovine homosexuality. Turning the tables, the indignant bull both gored and raped Flann to within an inch of his life, leaving him with a permanent limp and a widened anus.

Flann spent the next 16 years teaching himself to read and write, after which he published his first novel, the espionage thriller 'Day of the Night'. Reviews were unkind, though mild in comparison to the critical savaging meted to the sequel, 'Night of the Day'.

Famously described as "that jackass" by Joan Collins, Flann's popularity has skyrocketed in the last decade amidst the boom of shady self-help literature and poorly researched non-fiction. Also a disqualified lawyer with an eye for a loophole, Flann often boasts of being “acquitted more times than arrested”. The actual ratio is an impressive 1:3.

Flann has sired many children in Ireland, America, Cambodia and Thailand, some of whom he supports financially.

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