Bob Geldof? Rob Ripof, more like…

Like so many of his generation, Bob Geldof idolised me in the early 80s. He made no secret of modelling ‘The Boomtown Rats’ on my band, ‘The Council Estate Speckle-tailed Hamsters’.

I tolerated the likeness in the beginning, but when The Rats released ‘Don’t Like Mondays’ two weeks after The Hamsters' far less successful ‘Mondays are Shite’, I felt compelled to confront the cad in a London pub.

Bob was initially gracious. He apologised for any offense caused and offered me a generous co-writer credit on ‘Don’t Like Mondays’. I accepted his apology, shook his hand, waited for him to turn away, took hold of a bar stool and smashed it over his back.

Unfortunately, I failed to capitalise on my underhandedness. Bob quickly gained the upper hand, gifting me a beating so severe that I permanently lost the ability to exhale. Rendered unconscious for the last forty minutes of the assault, there’s not much else I recall about it. That said, credible eyewitnesses inform me that Sir Bob….

  • threw me down a flight of stairs, paid a flock of hobos to retrieve me, and repeated the process several times
  • stripped me naked and took a Brillo pad to over 80% of my body
  • grasped my hair in one hand, penis in the other, and spun me around in a helicopter fashion. When sufficient momentum was built, he released his grip and sent me careering through the plate-glass front of a local Burger King
Things were slightly awkward between us afterwards. Still, some years later I naively shared with him my brainwave for a one-off charity single, sung by a super-group of contemporary musicians. Little did I know he'd steal my idea and repackage it as ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas’.

I present now the lyrics of my own super-group charity single, still regarded by many as the greatest song ever written. Enjoy!


FEED THE NEEDY

by

Flann O’Coonassa




First Verse

(Jimmy Nail) Rejoice starving Africans, celebrities have heard your call,

(Rolf Harris) ‘Norms’ had their chance to help, and managed to do fuck all,

(Tommy Cannon) And though you could argue, we already do more than enough,

(Bobby Ball) There’s no argument about it, we definitely already do



Chorus

(Everybody) It’s time to feed the Needy, they haven’t a pot to piss,

(Lou Ferrigno) In………………………………………………………………….,

(Everybody) Yes it’s time to feed the Needy, though obviously not right now,

(Willis from Different Strokes) But definitely in the short to medium term, it’ll be time to act right then



Second Verse

(Bono’s second cousin, Dermot Hewson) I saw a starving African, near my fixed abode,

(Max from Hart to Hart) Fearing what I didn’t know, I chased him down the road,

(Mel) He fled into the blades of a combined harvester, and now he’s in the ground,

(Kim) We have to start helping these people, but obviously not right now



Chorus

(Everybody) Because it’s time to feed the Needy, they haven’t a pot to piss,

(Lou Ferrigno) In………………………………………………………………….,

(Everybody) Yes it’s time to feed the Needy, though obviously not right now,

(Willis from Different Strokes) But definitely in the short to medium term, it’ll be time to act right then

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