Back’n'Forth with the Movers and Shakers

As a globally celebrated renaissance man, naturally I’ve gained the ear of many public figures throughout the decades. Often I’ve had occasion to correspond privately with these movers and shakers via email, text message, letters, and in extreme circumstances, assassin-o-grams. On a whim, I now betray the trust of these putzes by publishing a selection of the more notable exchanges. Enjoy!



YOKO ONO

Dear Mrs Ono,

How are you? That’s great. Listen, keep your God-damned oar out of The Beatles, or so help me, I’ll make Sushi of you. You have 48 hours to comply,

Sincerely,
Flann

p.s. stay the hell away from The Monkees too.



Dear Flann,

Comply with what? Leave the country? Annul my marriage? I could pass your threat to the police, but I’d rather appeal to your humanity. You’re obviously a Beatles fan, and I assure you, so am I. But John and I are married now, and fans are going to have to accept that,

Peace and Love,
Yoko



Dear Mrs Ono,

You have four hours left to comply. Unfortunately, that’s four hours at time-of-writing. Considering I don’t intend posting this letter until tomorrow morning, and allowing two days for delivery, I’m sorry to inform you that you’re most likely now dead. I therefore presume this is John reading? Well John, as your biggest fan and wife’s killer, I wish to express how sorry I am for your loss. Now get back to work,

Deepest sympathies,
Flann



Flann,

You are obviously a disturbed individual who needs professional help. Do not contact my wife again,

John



Dear John,

Can I just say how much I love your music? The Beatles’ albums are the soundtrack to my life, and for this I will forever be in your debt. That said, I am currently locked in a deadly game of cat and mouse with your wife. One will live, and the other shall fall, but it’s between me and her, so keep your oar out,

Cordially,
Flann



Dear Flann,

I heard about the thing with Yoko. I want in.

Sincerely,
Paul



Dear Paul,

No deal. This is between me, Yoko, and maybe John if things get messy. Keep your oar out,

Murderously,
Flann



Dear Flann,

Deal me in,

Ringo



Dear Ringo,

No deal. If I won’t throw McCartney a piece of the action, why the hell would I bring a third-rate pot-clanger like you in? Find your own Asian meddler to gut like a fish,

Sincerely,
Flann



Dear Flann,

I have an incinerator in my backyard. Perfect for dispatching an Asian body,

Sincerely,
Mickey Dolenz



Dear Mickey,

Forget the whole thing. Too many people know about it now. Bunch of God-damn blabber-mouths,

Yours of unsatisfied bloodlust,
Flann



BARACK OBAMA




Text message sent from my phone, 15:04 22/05/09

WHERE R U?





Text message received by my phone, 15:42 22/05/09

The White House. Don’t contact me on this number again.




Text message sent from my phone, 15:43 22/05/09

Y?



Voice message left on my phone, 15:46 22/05/09

Sir, this is Agent James Downey of the CIA. We have reason to believe you have been sending unsolicited correspondence to the president. A car will be with you shortly. Please remain in your current location.




Text message sent from my phone, 15:49 22/05/09

GR8. GETTING ARRESTED. THANX OBAMA. WOT DID I EVER DO 2 U?



Text message received by my phone, 15:52 22/05/09

Who is this? McCain?





Text message sent from my phone, 15:56 22/05/09

M8BE.





Text message received by my phone, 15:58 22/05/09

I beat you fair and square McCain. Don’t make me come down to Arizona and put a beat-down on your withered ass, you fuck.




Text message sent by my phone, 15:59 22/05/09

J-ZUZ



ROBERT DE NIRO


From: flann@rant.ie
To: robert@deerhunter.com
Subject: Role of a lifetime!

Bobby, baby, do I have a role for you! It’s a prequel to ‘The Sound of Music’ that focuses mainly on Maria’s pre-abbey years as an Austrian hooker and crystal meth addict. We’re calling it ‘The Sound of Prostitution and Vomit’. You’re slated to play Maria’s pimp, Herr Goldtooth. Britney Spears has expressed an interest in playing Maria, and Al Pacino is attached to play a cop of some sort.

That reminds me, I mislaid Al’s phone number. Could you email it to me along with both your home addresses? If you have any contact details for Britney Spears lying around, that would be helpful too.



From: robert@deerhunter.com
To: flann@rant.ie
Subject: Re: Role of a lifetime!

Listen to me, you nickel and dime bum. I don’t know who you are or how you got this address, but I want no part of your crumby project. Be a stranger, jackass.



From: flann@rant.ie
To: robert@deerhunter.com
Subject: Role of a lifetime!

Oh, I get it. I see what’s going on here. Not prepared to play second fiddle to Britney Spears? Fine, we rewrite Maria as Martin (we might have to silence Julie Andrews in real life, lest she kicks up a publicity stink), you play the part, Pacino is your pimp, and Britney plays a cop of some sort. Or we leave the script as-is, you play Maria in drag, Britney is your pimp, and Pacino plays a cop of some sort.



From: robert@deerhunter.com
To: flann@rant.com
Subject: Re: Role of a lifetime!

Lose my email address, asshole. Lose it before I lose my cool. I will end you, my friend. Do you hear me? I will end you.



From: flann@rant.ie
To: robert@deerhunter.com
Subject: Role of a lifetime!

You drive a hard bargain Bobby. Okay, final offer: you, Britney and Pacino all play cops of some sort. It’s vice-squad, and you’re all undercover as hookers, but secretly, you all yearn for the simple, humble ways of the seminary, and a modest daily ration of crystal meth to take the edge of monastic life.



From: robert@deerhunter.com
To: flann@rant.ie
Subject: Re: Role of a lifetime!

Asshole.





From: flann@rant.ie
To: robert@deerhunter.com
Subject: Role of a lifetime!

Jerk.

Old Rants

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