Oasis Split Dooms the Earth

The music world was effectively ended last week with the news that Noel Gallagher has quit Oasis. Rioting predictably erupted in all 147 of the world’s countries, causing the earth’s rotation to unsettle two centimeters from its usual axis, thereby setting us on a collision course with the sun for early 2011. Selfish apocalyptic Mancunian bastards.

Of course, Nostradamus predicted the whole affair in one of his more accurate quatrains from 1542:

Two musical apes ripping off The Beatles

Friction between the apes grows dire

The lute playing elder walks away

Pair of wankers rain death upon the world

Impressive enough to have predicted The Beatles by name, but Nostradamus’ use of the word ‘wanker’ is regarded as the first on record. Let's now examine the timeline to disaster:

1967: Mother Peggy gives birth to a fully-grown, unshaven Noel. Doctors confirm that she has in fact been carrying twins, and should continue pushing.

1972: Liam is born, bringing an end to a record-equalling five year labor. When asked how she feels, Peggy replies that she is “a little tired”, and says the fifth year of the delivery was “worse than the other 4 put together”.

1978: Noel throws a chainsaw at Liam when a game of Buckaroo goes awry, accidentally beheading him. Thankfully, the world’s foremost decapitation specialist (Dr Manfred Finklestein) lives nearby, and reattaches Liam’s head without charge.

1980: Liam beheads Noel with a samurai sword in response to a taunt about his lack of table etiquette. Dr Finklestein again does a sterling job, though Noel never regains the ability to roll his tongue. He later chronicles the tongue issue in the song ‘Wonderwall’.

1988: Noel’s highly touted dance career flounders. He is firstly ejected from the prestigious Royal College of Ballet for his insistence upon non-standard tutus. The final straw comes during a performance of The Nutcracker in The Albert Hall. Flouting the palette of accepted techniques, Noel improvises a fusion of ballet and a style called ‘The Running Man’ from the burgeoning rave scene. Reviews are unkind.

1989: Liam drops out of medical school, citing “…the impenetrable bureaucracy of the NHS”. Nevertheless, his thesis on the Neurology of Schizophrenia remains required reading in medical schools worldwide.

1990: The brothers form a band called ‘Granny’s Crotch’, later renamed ‘Violating the Platypus’, soon rebranded ‘The Chartered Accountants’, and finally settling on ‘Oasis.’

1992: Noel’s early songwriting bears few portents of the lyrical firebrand he’d become:

The Snuggle Bears


Noel Gallagher

Can you see the Snuggle Bears,

Snuggling you and me,

Can you see the fluffy kittens,

Snuggling puppies for free

Gallagher himself admits that ‘The Snuggle Bears’ starts to grate after the eighteenth verse. Other songs such as ‘Stay off Drugs’, ‘Smoking Damages your Health’, and ‘Obey the Food Pyramid’ are equally toothless.

1996: The brothers begin gaining headlines for their outspokenness. Scattergun attacks often seem motiveless and cruel, such as Liam’s branding of Mother Theresa as a “…towel-headed, shriveled up oul’ cock dodger.” Noel is equally unkind to Somalian refugees, regarding them as “…freeloading hobos with their grubby paws out, always wanting something for nothing.”

1999: Blur frontman Damon Albarn is found decapitated in a London park. Though his head is successfully reattached, his short-term memory is compromised, leaving him with no recollection of his attacker(s). In his autobiography, Noel later recalls chopping the head off an unnamed Indie singer:

“….myself and our kid dragged the Indie twat into a small park near Fulham. ‘Park Life? I’ll show you Park Life, you cunt’. And with that, we fashioned a crude guillotine from a plate of glass we’d found in a dumpster and chopped his fucking head off. ‘You’ll be doing no more living in any houses in the country,’ says Liam, which made me chuckle…”

Police question Noel over the contentious passage, but determine there is insufficient evidence to charge him.

2003: An Oasis concert in Norway descends into chaos when Liam produces a shotgun from his trousers and begins taking pot-shots at his brother. Noel flees the stage, only to return minutes later in a Sherman tank. The entire arena is leveled by the ensuing battle, which leaves more than 400 Norwegians dead and twice that number injured. The Norwegian prime minister declares the Gallaghers “mass murderers”, and calls for international sanctions against them.

2009: A minor disagreement regarding ownership of a Dairylee Triangle sees Noel quit Oasis, hence ending the reign of man on earth.

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