Horoscopes: lion-taming, time travel and great white sharks



Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Be assertive with colleagues this week. Don’t be afraid to lay down the law. Though you’ll spontaneously combust at midday on Sunday, a torrential downpour will douse the flames and spare your life. You’ll barely have regained your composure when an escaped zoo orangutan named ‘Ghandi’ savages you to death in front of your traumatised children.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)


Pluto aligns with Mars this weekend, giving you an unmerciful rash. Next week brings a mammoth financial windfall. The money quickly corrupts your mind, spurring you to invest in a bionic penis that not only lacks the dexterity of your discarded human penis, but causes the deaths of countless prostitutes.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 21)

Compassion and generosity are key. Your kindness to a homeless man does not go unnoticed. He is mugged and killed by a burlier, tougher homeless man for the pittance you flung into his upturned cap. Why does everything you touch turn to shit?

Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 22)

Uranus begins its second lunar cycle, causing you to cultivate a ferocious mono-brow. Friends love your company. Your laughter is infectious. Also infectious is your zombie-ism, which not only sees you feast on the delicious, fresh brains of cherished family members, but has you roaming the moors with scores of your undead brethren for nigh-on eternity.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

You have diligence by the bucket full. Though well intentioned, your time-travelling experiment destroys not only our universe, but all parallel universes except one. As the only mammal in your adopted universe capable of farting, it’s not long before you’re burned as a witch. 

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)


Timing is everything, and yours is impeccable. Your career as a circus clown ends this week when a custard pie-based altercation with a colleague escalates into a full-blown knife fight. Taking a young child as a human shield draws scathing criticism from both the clown community, and the child’s parents, who reluctantly accept a refund.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 23)

Saturn crosses the path of Jupiter this week, causing your car keys to go missing. Stand your ground on matters of principle. Insisting that you have developed powers of invincibility causes many a raised eyebrow. Attempting to prove it by raping a great white shark only vindicates the doubters and reddens the tank at Sea World.

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 21)


Trusting is in your nature. A family member makes romantic overtures this week. The law takes a poor view of such dalliances, and a brief but torrid affair lands both you and your grandmother in the clink. Though your grandfather vows never to speak to either of you again, your great grandmother begins sending you chocolates and poetry.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)


Responsibility is your middle name. Fifteen minutes of fame beckon when you save a drowning infant. A lifetime of infamy follows when CCTV footage shows you punting the wee tyke into the river to begin with.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Your passion is an asset. Thinking outside the box has never been your forte, which is a shame considering you’ll accidentally be buried alive following a heart attack this weekend. A foolhardy attempt at a final wank will rupture the coffin lid and collapse a metric tonne of earth upon you. Published findings of a subsequent exhumation will bring a measure of embarrassment to your family.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Life is not for sitting still. Your relentless pursuit of your wife’s killer makes progress this week, when you realise that you suffer from split personality disorder, and that a fragment of your consciousness named ‘Mike’ carried out the heinous act all those years ago. You also discover a third inner personality called ‘Deirdre’, which goes someway towards explaining why you have a tampon shoved up your ass.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)


Orion is visible in the Southern sky this week, causing your remote control to slide down the back of the couch. Failure to take instruction from your tutors leads to disaster in lion-taming college. Not only do you flunk the course, but you are eaten by a lion. Your rookie mistake of trying to put the lion’s head in your mouth, rather than vice-versa, becomes a cautionary tale in lion-taming circles.

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