Me: Welcome to my plush abode. Sorry for keeping you waiting.
Uri Geller: It’s not a problem. I bent this spoon while I was waiting.
Me: Where did you get it?
Uri Geller: It was here, on the table.
Me: So it’s mine?
Uri Geller: I don’t know. It was here on the table.
Me: Bend it back now.
Uri Geller: Ok, calm yourself. I was just trying to demonstrate…
Me: Bend it back, right now.
Uri Geller: There. It’s back.
Me: Ground rules Geller.
Uri Geller: Ok.
Me: You don’t touch the cutlery…
Uri Geller: Fine.
Me: You don’t look at the cutlery…
Uri Geller: I understand.
Me: If I give you tea, you stir it with your hand. Capiche?
Uri Geller: I apologise.
Me: What kind of cretin waltzes into another man’s home and attacks the cutlery?
Uri Geller: I said I was sorry.
Me: Channel Michael Jackson or get the hell out.
Uri Geller: I’m channelling, I’m channelling. Mmmm. Mmmm. Mmmm.
Uri Geller: Mmmm. Mmmm. Mmmm.
Me: Is that still you Uri?
Michael Jackson: Uri’s not here right now.
Me: To whom am I speaking?
Michael Jackson: Michael.
Me: J Fox?
Michael Jackson: Jackson.
Me: Prove it.
Michael Jackson: HEE-HEE.
Me: Ok, your story checks out.
Me: We’ll begin then. Thanks for taking the time Michael. We know you’re a busy man.
Michael Jackson: Not really. I’m brown bread.
Me: Not keeping yourself busy down there?
Michael Jackson: Down there?
Me: Up there. I meant ‘up there’.
Michael Jackson: There’s not a whole lot to do. I’m hoping Bubbles dies soon.
Me: Oh, chimps go to heaven?
Michael Jackson: No. I just hope Bubbles dies soon.
Me: Eh…ok. So, your demise. Suicide? Murder? Natural causes?
Michael Jackson: Do I look like a CSI cop?
Me: You look like Uri Geller. And you smell like wet dog.
Michael Jackson: Listen man, I don’t know what happened. One minute I’m moonwalking into the bathroom to take a shit, and the next I’m at the pearly gates, trying to skip the queue, giving St Peter the old ‘do you know who I am?’
Me: So you can’t shed any light on your passing?
Michael Jackson: Until they find a cure for death, I don’t even want to think about that day.
Me: Grand so, we’ll move on. Elvis’ daughter. Did you stick it in her?
Michael Jackson: My penis?
Michael Jackson: Good heavens no.
Me: Debbie Rowe?
Michael Jackson: No.
Me: MacCaulay Culkin?
Michael Jackson: Ah, MacCaulay Culkin. Star of Home Alone.
Me: That wasn’t really an answer. You just seemed to…
Michael Jackson: Yessiree, MacCaulay Culkin. Star of Home Alone.
Me: Rightio. Plastic surgery.
Michael Jackson: Never had any.
Me: You’re dead. Why not tell the truth?
Michael Jackson: Fine. I had 864 operations.
Michael Jackson: 865 if you count the gills.
Michael Jackson: Yeah. Bit of an overreaction to seeing Kevin Costner’s Water World.
Me: Did they work?
Michael Jackson: Yes, but only when they were connected to a two-stroke engine.
Me: That doesn’t sound very practical.
Michael Jackson: They’re freaking gills man. What do you want from me?
Me: Quick fire round. List your siblings in order of preference.
Michael Jackson: La Toya, Janet, Tito, Marlon, Jackie, Jermaine.
Me: Now list your parents in order of preference.
Michael Jackson: Mom, Dad.
Me: Now list Hitler and your Dad in order of preference.
Michael Jackson: Hitler, Dad.
Me: Interesting. Tell us a funny showbiz story.
Michael Jackson: One time myself and Tito beat the shit out of a gardener at Neverland, for no reason. We had to buy his silence afterwards.
Me: Jesus. How is that funny?
Michael Jackson: Well, I was dressed as a clown.
Me: What was Tito dressed as?
Michael Jackson: Some manner of otter.
Me: I see.
Michael Jackson: Do you?
Me: Don’t I?
Michael Jackson: Touché. But do you?
Me: Eh…Uri, I’m getting a bit freaked out now. Can we wrap this up?
Michael Jackson: There is no more Uri. There is only Michael.
Michael Jackson: Tell me, have you ever seen an Israeli mentalist channelling a dead white African American man naked?
Me: Wait…what? SNAP OUT OF IT URI. HERE, TAKE THIS SPOON.
Michael Jackson: Sp…oon?
Uri Geller: Sp…oon?
Me: That’s right, spoon. Good to have you back Uri.
Uri Geller: Can I keep the spoon?
Me: You can borrow it.
Uri Geller: What did Michael say? Did he mention me?
Me: Yes. He said spoon-bending is for dorks.
Uri Geller: It’s at time like these, I’m glad he is dead.
Me: What? That’s an astonishing thing to say. I thought you were his friend?
Uri Geller: Spoons are my only friend.
Uri Geller: You know what you remind me of?
Me: A spoon?
Uri Geller: Yes, exactly. You share many qualities with cutlery.
Me: Eh…I’m going to leave now because I’m a bit frightened. You stay as long as you want.