Horoscopes: African Rhinos, Frankfurters and Filipino Brides

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Stop trying to satisfy everyone else’s expectations. You must learn to feel comfortable in your own skin. If the cannibalistic serial killer who’ll soon be wearing you as a suit can do it, why can’t you?

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

Saturn aligns with Jupiter this weekend, giving you heart burn. It’s time to put your finances in order. Money is scarce, and you can no longer justify keeping a fully-grown African Rhino tethered in your back garden. Take him to the local park, unleash him, and walk casually away whilst whistling nonchalantly.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 21)

Be more assertive. If you don’t ask, you don’t get. A mysterious stranger bombards you with flattery this week. Unfortunately, it’s only to distract you while his associate hot wires your car. Adding insult to injury, they needlessly run you over during their getaway, breaking both your legs. The same men return to steal your wheelchair, but I’ll cover that in the next month’s horoscopes.

Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 22)

Saturn begins its fourth lunar cycle, playing havoc with your nasal hair growth. A colleague makes romantic overtures. Now is the time to reciprocate. What have you got to lose? You’ll both be dead in 24 hours anyway, having eaten from the same contaminated canteen stew.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Don’t dwell on the negativity of others. Now is the time to be more assertive. Your get-rich-quick scheme runs aground upon mounting suspicion that your belt is lined with Frankfurters, not TNT. Killing hostage after hostage does temporarily rekindle your aura of menace, but also forces the hand of the Gardai sharp-shooters. Rarely has the term ‘closed casket’ fit more snugly.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Relaxation is key. Switching off is something you struggle with. An old flame returns unexpectedly this week, preaching reform and asking for a second chance. Do not be fooled. This is the same head case who doused you in petrol and set you alight, for failing to put a coaster beneath your drink. As you remonstrated at the time, there are no coasters in MacDonalds.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 23)

Mercury crosses the path of Mars this week, bringing you an unmerciful dose of the shits. Charity always begins at home. Luckily for you, your home will be bulldozed by the council in a case of mistaken identity (the 9 on your front door loosens and swings upside down into a 6). Living rough will be a novelty during the summer months, but you’ll quickly succumb to the elements by mid-autumn.

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 21)

Now is a time for reflection. A friend betrays your confidence, passing your secret to a third party. The third party being a cop, and your secret being a family imprisoned in your basement, does not make your friend any less of a squealer. And you know what must be done with squealers, right? The shovel and the hacksaw are in the shed, behind the paint pots. And for God’s sake wear gloves this time.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Opportunity knocks, and Cupid pays a visit this week. Play your cards right and wedding bells might beckon. A Royal Flush should be enough to secure the whole pot, including the Filipino bride. Beware though: the southern gentleman to your left is counting cards, and the greasy shark opposite has a dodgy ace taped to the underside of his chair.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Caution is paramount. Greeting obstacles head-on is not always the right approach. Particularly when you’re sprinting along a set of train tracks. Mercifully, you’ll side-step the 4:10 from Dublin and come away with little more than a grazed hip. It’s the 2:05 from Galway coming the opposite direction that’ll really catch you by surprise, grinding you into a gloopy, viscous paste.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Beware false prophets. You have a tendency to over-trust. A businessman comes to you with a financial proposition this week. Selling him your kidney brings you short-term riches and a heady lifestyle. Selling him your liver, heart and lungs exposes your appalling ignorance of human anatomy.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Orion is visible in the North sky this month, meaning you have eighteen seconds to live. Put your house in order, sooner rather than later. Though your death certificate will ultimately read ‘Swine Flu’, this is a clerical error. ‘Swine food’ would be more accurate, given that you are choking on a rasher as of…wait….wait for it….NOW.

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