Exclusive Interview with Roy Keane, Mick McCarthy and MC Hammer

Me: Gentlemen, thanks for taking the time. 
Roy Keane: I wasn't told he'd be here. 
Me: What's your beef with Hammer? 
MC Hammer: Yeah?
Roy Keane: Not Hammer. Him. 
Mick McCarthy: 'Him' has a name Roy. I wasn't told you'd be here either. My agent said this was a one-to-one interview? 

Me: Lads, lads, lads. Didn't you bury the hatchet a couple of years ago? Can't we be civil? Conduct ourselves as professionals? 
Mick McCarthy: I'm willing, if Roy and Mr Ice are. 
MC Hammer: Mr Ice?
Mick McCarthy: Oh, I'm sorry. Vanilla. 
MC Hammer Who the hell do you think I am? 
Mick McCarthy: Weren't you the fat one in Wham?
MC Hammer: Mother f*cker, there wasn't no black man in Wham. 
Roy Keane: Tool. 

Me: Come on, settle down. This is just a friendly interview. There's no need for anyone to get riled. 
Mick McCarthy: Ok.
Me: Now, Saipan....
Mick McCarthy: Christ...
MC Hammer: Sai-who?
Roy Keane: As I said, the facilities were a joke: no floodlights, lack of footballs....
Me: I haven't asked you anything yet Roy. 
Roy Keane: ....missing training kit, rock-hard pitches....
Me: Roy?
Roy Keane: ....single-ply non-quilted bog roll, Lenny Henry as live-in entertainer when we were promised Lenny Kravitz....
Me: ROY? 

Mick McCarthy: Eh? You see?
Me: I do see. 
Roy Keane: See what?
Mick McCarthy: This is what it was like, over there.
Me: It must have been hell for you Mick. 
Roy Keane: Stay out of it you. 
Mick McCarthy: Like you stayed out of the world cup? BOOYAKASHA!
Mick McCarthy: This is just as hurtful the second time round. 

Me: Please people, stop this. 
Me: What? 
MC Hammer: I said, HAMMER TIME!
Me: Why? 
MC Hammer: You said 'stop'. 
Me: No I didn't, I said 'stop this'. 
Roy Keane: Listen up Coolio. Shout in my ear once more and you'll be spending none of your time living in the Gangsta's Paradise. Because you'll be dead, strangled with your own parachute pants. Capiche?

Me: Lads, please. All of this negativity is unhealthy. 
Mick McCarthy: He started it. 
Roy Keane: I started it? All I do is give it 100%, every time...
Me: No, no, no. Let's not play the blame game. Mick, I want you to look into Roy's eyes...
MC Hammer: Hello. Now we talkin...
Me: ....and tell us one good memory you have of Roy. Something from before Saipan. 
Mick McCarthy: Well...I remember...no, you'll all laugh. 
MC Hammer: Come on brother. We're all here for you. 
Roy Keane: Go on Mick. Just be honest.

Mick McCarthy: (deep breath) I remember after a home game in Landsdown Road, against Portugal I think? We'd had our showers, and a few of us thought it’d be a good laugh if we hogtied Niall Quinn and held him down while Mick Byrne threatened to rape him. Quinny was always easy to wind up. He was in floods of tears within seconds. 

(Roy giggles. Mick follows suit)

Mick McCarthy: After an hour or so, we decided Quinny'd had enough. Mick Byrne was getting a bit carried away, and none of us were comfortable with where the joke was going. So we untied Quinny and let him go.
Roy Keane: Not a minute too soon. 
Mick McCarthy: He briefly talked about pressing charges, but we've heard it all before with Quinny. 
Roy Keane: Typical Niall. Never follows through. 

Mick McCarthy: So next home game comes and goes, and Quinny decides he'll have his revenge. I come out of the showers, minding my own business, and from nowhere Quinny comes at me with a giant bunch of nettles, swinging and swinging. I turned away to protect my genitals, but he thrashed my back over and over....(welling up)....
Roy Keane: Go on Mick. 
Mick McCarthy: Well, if it wasn't for Roy....he came in and beat the sh*t out of Niall.
Roy Keane: For an unrelated matter. I didn't know what was going on with Mick. 
Mick McCarthy: That's right, but afterwards? Afterwards you went out and picked some dock leaves, and soothed my back. 
Roy Keane: That's right, I did. 
Me: What the?

MC Hammer: While we're all male bonding and sh*t, YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS! 
Roy Keane: Ah Jaysus no. 
Mick McCarthy: Jaysus, put that yoke away. 
Me: Jaysus Hammer, I warned you. I said if you took your lad out, you're out of the interview. 
MC Hammer: Come on man. A brother's gotta air the snake? 
Me: No, you're gone Hammer. You're out. 
MC Hammer: Whatever.  

(Hammer waddles out of the room, parachute kacks around his ankles)

Me: Roy? I think you were about to share? 
Roy Keane: (deep breath) It's hard, you know?
Mick McCarthy: It’s ok Roy. 
Roy Keane: Well, I remember a time in 2001. We’d finished training in Malahide and were bored silly. So myself and Mick decided to climb The Sugarloaf.
Mick McCarthy: I remember.
Roy Keane: We made good time to the summit, but I started to feel dodgy. 
Mick McCarthy: More than dodgy. 

Roy Keane: It was altitude sickness. I went a bit ga-ga. 
Mick McCarthy: You thought you were a ballerina. 
Roy Keane: I did, I really believed it. I thought I was a ballerina performing in a production of The Nutcracker. And Mick…the only way he could get me off the mountain was to pretend he was a ballerina too. 
Mick McCarthy: It wasn’t hard. I studied ballet for eight years as a nipper. Also, six years jazz and four years tap. The film Billie Elliot was loosely based on me. 
Roy Keane: It usually takes an hour to hike down The Sugarloaf, but it took us over twenty four hours to frolic and pirouette to the bottom. Mick was with me every prance of the way. 
Mick McCarthy: I’d never leave a fallen brother on The Sugarloaf. 
Me: Jaysus.

Roy Keane: When we got to the bottom….
Mick McCarthy: Go on Roy. Don’t be embarrassed. 
Roy Keane: …I don’t know how but…instinctively, we both knew what was going to happen. I charged at Mick, dove into his arms, and we performed the lift from Dirty Dancing flawlessly.
Me: Sweet Suffering Mother of Divine Jaysus. 

Roy Keane: Where did we lose our way Mick? 
Mick McCarthy:  I don’t know Roy. 
Roy Keane: Can things go back to the way they were? 
Mick McCarthy:  I believe they can. 
Me: Group hug? 
MC Hammer: Deal me in. 
Me: Ah Jaysus, it’s still hangin out. 
Mick McCarthy: Ah no, put it away Shaggy. 
Roy Keane: I’m sorry, I'm not into any of this naked stuff. 
Mick McCarthy: ROY? ROY, COME BACK? 
Me: No, let him go Mick. Gotta let him go. He needs time. 

Old Rants

Rant by www.rant.ie is licensed under a Creative Commons License. Copyright © 2009 Flann O'Coonassa