The Simpsons Uncut (as God intended)

 
INT: DINING ROOM


Homer: I’m going to ask you one time.
Marge: Can’t we just have one meal when…
Homer: All I want is the truth.
Lisa: Dad, may we be excused?
Homer: Sit down and shut up.

Marge: For God’s sake, let the kids leave the table.
Homer: Nobody’s going anywhere. I want the truth.
Marge: No you don’t. That’s not what you want.
Homer: Are you f*cking Ned Flanders?
Marge: This is ridiculous.
Homer: Are you f*cking him?
Marge: I won’t answer that. It’s beneath me.

Bart: Dad?
Homer: Shut up.
Marge: Leave him alone.
Homer: It’s a simple question.
Marge: I’m not answering it.
Homer: Yes or no. Are you f*cking Ned Flanders?
 Marge: Last month it was Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. The month before it was Krusty the Clown. I’m not playing this game any more.

Homer: Listen to me, and listen good you blue-haired harlot. If I come home, and I find that bible freak Ned Flanders sniffing around here, it will be ugly for all of us. Do you understand?
Marge: I can’t do this any more.
Homer: DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
Marge: YOU’RE DRIVING ME INSANE.
Homer: Oh, here come the water works. Go on, run away. Run away, like always. I’m the bad guy, I’m the bad guy.


INT: TREE HOUSE


Lisa: Do you think they’ll divorce?
Bart: I don’t give a sh*t any more. Sniff?
Lisa: No, I’m done with glue. Gives me palpitations. Who will you live with, if they split?
Bart: Mom.
Lisa: Yeah, me too. Me too. Maybe you should slow down on that stuff Bart?

Millhouse: Heh, party people!
Bart: Did you get it?
Millhouse: Why of course, only the finest. Mr Jack Daniels.
Lisa: Deal me in.
Bart: Thought you were straightening up?
Lisa: Not today I’m not.


INT: HALLWAY


Homer: Mind your own f*cking business.
Patty: She didn’t ask us to come here, Homer.
Selma: She’s upset. We just want to know what’s going on.
Homer: Give me a break. You two hated me from day one. This is your dream.
Patty: We’ve only ever wanted what’s best for Marge.
Homer: Get the hell out of here, before I throw you out.

Selma: Oh, big man. Drunk at Two O’Clock in the afternoon.
Patty: Come on Selma, let’s go.
Selma: I tell you one thing Homer. I hope she is f*cking Ned Flanders. I really do. At least he’d treat her right.
Patty: Selma, come on.
Homer: Beat it.
Selma: Yeah. I bet she’s round there right now…
Homer: I said get out.
Selma: …probably sucking that big Christian cock of his.

Homer: GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, OR I’LL…
Selma: You’ll what Homer? You’ll what? You’ll hit me?
Patty: Let’s go Selma.


INT: FLANDERS’ BEDROOM


Flanders: He knows, doesn’t he?
Marge: Yes.
Flanders: Did he hurt you?
Marge: No. He scares me though. When he gets angry, I wonder…
Flanders: I swear, if he lays a Goddamned hand on you, I'll...

Marge: ...Ned, let’s just leave. Up sticks and leave for Shelbyville, tonight.
Flanders: Woah, woah. Slow down Marge.
Marge: You haven’t told her yet, have you?
Flanders: It’s complicated. Maude's a complicated woman. And there’s Rod and Todd to think about, and your kids.
Marge: Oh my God…
Flanders: Now don’t freak out.
Marge: I keep putting myself in this position, over and over…
Flanders: I’m not like those other guys.
Marge: …it’s Reverend Lovejoy all over again.

Flanders: Now hold on, I’m nothing like him.
Marge: You Chrstians say one thing, and do another.
Flanders: I’ll leave her. I swear I will. You just got to give me some time, baby. Do you trust me?
Marge: Stop that.
Flanders: Do you trust me?
Marge: You know I do.

Flanders: Then just lie back, close your eyes, and let Dr Ned to his thang.
Marge: Oh Ned!
Flanders: Yeah, sugar. That’s what I’m talkin about.
Marge: Neddy.
Flanders: The love doctor is in the house.
Marge: Ned Ned Ned. Yes. Yes Ned, yes yes.

Flanders: Oh...yeah.
Marge: Give it to me Ned.
Flanders: I’m...the...man. I’m...the...man.
Marge: Harder.
Flanders: Where...is...your...God...now...huh?
Marge: Come on Ned, harder.
Flanders: Oh...Maude.

Marge: What?
Flanders: What?
Marge: You said Maude.
Flanders: No I didn’t.
Marge: Yes you did.
Flanders: I said ‘move’. You were hurting my arm.
Marge: Jesus. Call me when you know what you want.
Flanders: Where you going, baby? Come on Marge, don’t do this. Marge? MARGE?


EXT: OUTSIDE THE FLANDERS RESIDENCE


Homer: FLANDERSSSSS. FLANDERSSSSSS. GET OUT HERE.
Lou: PUT THE F*CKING GUN DOWN, AND LIE FLAT ON THE GROUND.
Chief Wiggum: Easy Lou, I know him. I know him.
Lou: But chief…
Chief Wiggum: I need a minute here Lou. Can you do me that favour?
Lou: One minute. If he’s still holding that gun, I’m calling it in. 
Homer: FLANDERRSSSS. YOU PIECE OF SH*T, GET OUT HERE.
Chief Wiggum: Easy there Homer.

Homer: He’s f*cking her. Look at me, crying like a girl. And he's f*cking her.
Chief Wiggum: Come on now, you don’t know that.
Homer: Right up the ass.
Chief Wiggum: Marge loves you.
Homer: I screwed up, Clancy. I haven't been a good husband. Getting drunk all the time, fooling around with Lurleen Lumkin.
Chief Wiggum: We can fix this, Homer. Nobody’s been hurt. Nothing's broken yet that can't be fixed.
Homer: No, she’s going to leave me and take the kids. I know it.
Chief Wiggum: Nobody knows the future Homer. Nobody. Why don’t you give me that gun? We'll head down to Moes and talk about it.

Homer: FLANDERSSSSSS, YOU COCK SUCKER, GET DOWN HERE? Stay back Clancy.
Chief Wiggum: Ok, ok. I’m staying right here.
Homer: It’s over. It’s all over now. I'm nothing without her.
Chief Wiggum: Don’t talk like that.
Homer: You know it’s funny. I can’t remember our wedding. I mean, I remember the day. But I can’t picture her face.
Chief Wiggum: HOMER, NO. NOOO! Ah Jesus, no Homer. Homer, no.
Lou: He’s gone Chief, he’s gone.
Chief Wiggum: Ah Homer no, we could have fixed it.
Marge: NOOOOO, HOMER. Oh my Homey, no, Christ, what have you done.
Chief Wiggum: No Marge, gotta let him go. He’s gone now. He’s gone.

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