Readers Mailbag: Charlie Bird, 50 Cent and Princess Di


Is it true you gave Charlie Bird a blow job in the early 90s?

Danny,
Drimnagh

Not at all Danny, though I’ve heard the rumour many times. I was a researcher for RTE during the first Gulf War. Mr Bird arrived home from Kuwait one morning and came direct to Montrose to edit his footage. I happened upon him in the canteen, looking overtired and disheveled. He asked for a back rub, and outranking me as he did, I duly obliged. It was horrifically awkward (made worse by his unsettling groaning), but there was categorically no funny business.



You have the body of a Greek God. How do you stay in such amazing shape for your age?

Tommy,
Rathmines

Routine Tommy. Every morning I rise at 6:00 am, have some porridge, one piece of whole-grain toast, a glass of orange juice, inject fifty milligrams of Methyltestosterone into a vein between my toes, go for a brisk walk, do some light yoga, drink a cup of herbal tea, and rub a gram of Oxymetholone into my gums. It’s all about routine.



Was that you outside my house last night?

Sally,
Chapelizod

Yep, spot on Sally, that was me. I’ll be there again tonight, although it looks a bit cold for Y-fronts.



Stay away from my sister Sally.

Laura,
Chapelizod

That's not really a question, Laura.



When did your beef with 50 cent begin?

Jack,
Tuam

It began backstage at the Meteor Irish music awards in 2006, in the old Point Depot. A minor medical emergency had erupted, and I was simultaneously applying Heimlich Manoeuvres to both Derek Davis and Gerry Ryan. Mr Cent deliberately used the opportunity to devour a cocktail sausage I had ring-fenced for eating. I invited him outside to explain his actions, and was verbally abused by both he and his entourage.

On impulse, I grasped Mr Cent by the ear and attempted to humiliatingly parade him in front of his friends. Instead, he beat me unconscious, exclusively using open-palmed smacks. When my stepmother tried to intervene, she too was beaten unconscious. Thankfully, her squealing was sufficient distraction for me to crawl away and avoid further injury.

Since then it’s been back and forward, tit-for-tat between us in the press. Frankly, I don’t see any end in sight.



I recently lost somebody close to me, and I’m finding it difficult to cope. Each day is a struggle. How am I supposed to go on?

Janet,
Athlone Town

I think you’ve misunderstood the purpose of this forum Janet. In future, please send questions about me only.



I know what you did. Will you turn yourself in?

Anonymous,
Castledermot

Are you talking about the thing at the party, or the other thing? You’ll have to be more specific.




Hi,

My daddy is the bravest daddy, because he was sick and nearly went to heaven. My mammy says that he is your bestest fan. Could you please send us an autograph to bring to the hospital to make him happy?

Jessica (seven),
Tramore

Jessica — and everybody else listen up, because I’m blue in the face with this nonsense — NO autographs, under any circumstances. Next person to ask will be barred from the question forum.



I know it’s hard to be specific, but when do you think the recession will end?

Joe,
Belfast

4th of September, 2011, around lunchtime. It wasn’t hard at all Joe.




Why do people throw bags of urine at you in public all the time?

Dorris,
Wexford Town

Once or twice a day is hardly ‘all the time’ Dorris. These days it’s just mindless hooliganism, but the action has its roots in the early 80s, when I lobbied government to instate a per-flush tax on toilets in council houses. The country was on its knees, and I thought the tax would be a nice little earner.

There was uproar though. I had to leave Ireland for a year because of death threats. When I got back, the thugs had torched my house and mated my beloved pet doves with local pigeons.



Did you really stick it in Princess Diana? Fair balls if you did.

Colm,
Blanchardstown

Another myth, unfortunately Colm. I did hockey Sarah Ferguson out of it once at a party in Westminster, but the closest I came to nailing The Princess of Wales was when I drunkenly fell into a tank at Sea World. ‘Drunkard Fondles Keiko’ read The Orlando Times (Keiko being the star of the Free Willy trilogy, or ‘The Willogy’ as it’s often known).



Do you regret not returning to Thailand when David Monk, your best friend, was arrested?

Donald,
Letterkenny

First of all, there’s no guarantee that David would not have been executed if I’d returned. Sure, there was ‘written guarantees’ from the lead prosecutor that we’d both get three to five years (with good behaviour, parole in two). But I just couldn’t take the risk. David understood that. The media over-hyped his dying words, all that stuff about coming back to haunt me and eating my face in hell. That was just the kind of banter myself and David enjoyed before he was beheaded.



Your battles with booze are well-documented. How long have you now been sober?

Jenny,
Coolock

0 years, 0 months, 0 days, 0 hours, 0 minutes and 0 seconds.

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