Question Time: Elvis, Steve McQueen and The Pope


I’m sick of people waffling about this mythical duet you sung with Elvis. If it exists, why can’t I find it in any shop?

Tom,
Limerick

I’ll tell you the same thing I told The King in 1973 Tom. The world isn’t ready for it. It’s an issues song, and even all these years later, I doubt society could peacefully absorb what The King and I had to say.

The whole duet was recorded in one take in Nashville, and to my knowledge, is the world’s first freestyle rap battle. What began as a genuine argument over a stolen Frisbee (at first, we didn’t know the tapes were running) eventually lasted six hours and fifty-seven minutes. It only wound down when Elvis collapsed from dehydration.

Lyrically, we tackled abortion, gay marriage, euthanasia, abolition of the death penalty, stem-cell research, feminism, reducing CO2 emissions — all of which we were against, and all of which were unheard of then. Issues like cannibalism, pygmy exiling, inter-species human breeding, and forced shaving of ginger hair will only gain traction over the next thirty years, and I know Elvis would have hated our masterpiece to prejudice debates that haven’t occurred yet.

For that reason, the lone copy of ‘Keeping it Real with Flann (featuring The King)’ will remain under lock and key in my vault.



Where do you stand on animal testing?

Bobby,
Kinsale

I think laboratory testing should be left to scientists. Just because you can train an orangutan to light a Bunsen Burner, doesn’t mean he understands the principles of the experiment.



I saw you on Grafton Street. What’s with the limp?

Jennifer,
Drumcondra

Thanks for the concern Jennifer, I cut myself shaving. My legs, obviously. It’s just a habit I got into from my infamous attempt to swim the English Channel in the early forties. I had trained extremely hard, and was hugely unlucky that World War 2 broke out mid-attempt. One minute I’m making good time, cutting through the waves; next minute my face is mashed into the periscope of a submerged U-Boat. Damn thing broke my nose, and I spent the next two years in a Nazi concentration camp.





What is the secret of your extraordinary success?

Lucy,
Tramore

I suggest you buy a dictionary and look up the word ‘secret’ Lucy. What do you take me for, a chump?





Im a huge, huge fan of your books. My father was a writer, as was his grandfather before him. Sadly, neither of them are any longer with us, but I promised I’d keep the family tradition alive. Writing is my life. Any advice for a budding scribe?

Dennis,
Athlone

You omitted an apostrophe in your first word Dennis. It’s “I’m”, not “Im”. On this evidence, I can tell you categorically that you’ll never be a writer. You simply don’t have it. Pack it in, and hit MacDonalds with your CV.



Did you really attempt to sue God in the 50s?

Jack,
Donegal

Not quite Jack. I sued the pope, for the failings of God. I submitted various exhibits of God’s bungling, but focused mainly on the male scrotum, which I feel is a monument to flawed design. Those tender spheres have no business lingering outside of the overall protective body shell. And explain to me the usefulness of scattering a paltry ten to twenty pubes over its surface?

No, a better design would be a three ball system, including an auxiliary testicle safely encased within the rib cage. I argued my corner bitterly in court, and sought roughly half the Vatican’s reputed loot. The case was dismissed, and costs awarded to His Holiness. In a recent poll of the international legal community, the case was voted ‘Worst Lawsuit of all Time’.



Sophia Loren? Did you?

Jim,
Brickfield Road

Technically? Yes, though she referred to it in Vogue magazine as “…like being dry-humped by a St Bernard.” Differing standards, I guess.



Historians are still unclear about your role as ‘Special Advisor’ to the Reagan administration. Can you clarify what exactly you did for them?

Tania,
The Liberties

Certainly Tania, I didn’t do a tap. Ronnie was an old drinking buddy of mine from the acting scene. I had tonnes of compromising photos from our binges, including one of him dressed as a Japanese Geisha. When he was inaugurated years later, I told them to put me on the payroll, or I’d go public with the snaps. I’ve heard since that a ballot to pay me, or have the CIA kill me, only swung my way by a single vote. Phew!



Pat Rabbitte recently labelled you “the most vile, most corrupt, and most devious of them all.” What did he mean by that?

Jacinta,
Louth

I believe he was referring to my willingness to submit bribes for land rezoning favours.



You’re sexy. Fancy a threesome with myself and my flatmate Billie?

Jo,
Templeogue

Jo, both you and your flatmate have unisex names. On those grounds, I really don’t know what I’d be committing myself to. Can you clarify whether mine would be the only sabre, or if a sword fight could potentially ensue?

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