Pat Kenny Resignation Plunges Earth into Chaos

Rioting erupted today in more than twenty countries as word of Pat Kenny’s resignation filtered internationally. In India alone — where The Late Late Show doesn’t even air — over forty people were killed in violent demonstrations outside the Irish embassy. Effigies of Gay Byrne were set alight in astonishingly misplaced demonstrations of anger. Across the region, statues of Ghandi were defaced with Pat Kenny haircuts.

In Peru, a mob of sixty youths beat a pregnant woman into a coma for her facial likeness to Ryan Tubridy. Holding photos of the victim and Tubridy side-by-side, baffled police lieutenant Arturo Bello lamented that the resemblance, whilst curious, was “not exactly John Aldridge-Ian Rush territory.” Mr Tubridy was unavailable for comment.

Timeline to disaster:

1948: Pat Kenny is carved from the stump of a Giant Redwood Tree by a skilled carpenter known locally as ‘The Chisel’. Unfortunately, before The Chisel finishes carving Pat’s personality, he is killed in a freak chiselling accident. An associate remarks that the accident “had been on the cards for a while.”

1956: Pat contracts wood lice, and undergoes an intense course of varnishing.

1964: Studies broadcasting in UCD, where he achieves a reputation as a gifted — but savage and cruel — bare-knuckle boxer. Supplements his tuition fees by prizefighting, amassing a record of 104 wins and 2 draws, with his only loss coming to an older, more experienced Gay Byrne (the fight lasted more than six hours, with both men losing several pints of blood and most of their natural teeth).

1965: Refuses to fight in Vietnam, having been drafted by the US marines. Although the drafting is ultimately deemed an administrative error (Kenny is not a US citizen), Kenny nevertheless makes headlines with his famous quip, “ain’t no Vietcong ever called me Honky.” Mohammed Ali would later paraphrase Kenny.

1971: Begins work as a DJ for RTE Radio. Kenny’s “Shock Jock” tactics are at odds with the conservative Ireland of the time. He immediately achieves notoriety as the first DJ worldwide to showcase a couple having sex, live on air. From a population of three million, over eight million complaints are received by RTE. Kenny Is fined hay’penny sixpence (reduced to truppence hay’penny on appeal), which in today’s money, is more than a million euro.

1977: Releases a spoken-word version of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody, to media and public derision alike. The single sells fewer than seventy copies, prompting Kenny to chide the Irish public during his radio show, famously labelling them “slurry-slurping, peasant mongrels, with potatoes between their ears and turf for brains.” The insult again runs Kenny afoul of the broadcasting commission, who fine him two'n'sixpence — an unheard of figure at the time.

1982: Tastes TV exposure for the first time, anchoring a current affairs program for RTE Television. Kenny’s abrasive, no-nonsense style gains him a legion of fans. Interviewing Charles Haughey, he famously asks him the same question two hundred and sixteen consecutive times, beginning during the opening credits of the one hour program, and continuing unabated well into the closing credits. Unflustered, Haughey gives two hundred and sixteen unique responses, none of which directly address the issue.

1988: Chat show Kenny Live is launched, amidst much fanfare. Viewers are initially unimpressed by the cabaret format, with Kenny opening the show singing a medley of Abba hits. Similarly, he closes the show with a forty minute tap-dance described as “frigid and lacklustre” in one prominent broadsheet.

1990: Campaigns tirelessly to have Nelson Mandela kept in prison. Kenny pledges “if that terrorist gets back on the streets, [he’ll] walk naked down Grafton Street.” On the 2nd of February 1990, early-morning shoppers are disturbed to see a fully nude Kenny making good on his forfeit. The sheer girth of his member causes numerous women to faint, and an irate St John’s Ambulance reportedly bill Kenny for their services.

1996: Visibly high on a cocktail of hard liquor and amphetamines, Kenny charges into the Kenny Live audience unprovoked and begins randomly attacking foreign nationals. The same night, Kenny enters rehab for his addictions, but not before issuing a rambling apology (mostly in English, but often in an invented language called Kennyspeak) to foreign nationals, and the public at large. “A Nation Forgives,” declares one tabloid as a clean, sober Kenny is welcomed back to the airwaves six months later.

1999: Inherits RTE’s institutional chat show, The Late Late Show, from iconic presenter Gay Byrne. Opening his first show, Kenny immediately alienates Byrne’s fans, quipping “Thirty-seven years of that grey-haired gobsh*te, eh? I thought he’d never shut-up.” Kenny apologies for his remarks, stating that they were “in jest,” and that he considers Byrne “a close, personal associate.”

2008: Becomes embroiled in a bitter land dispute with a neighbour. At the height of the acrimony, Kenny allegedly slits the throats of all his neighbour’s livestock and uses their blood to smear obscenities on a nearby barn. He also allegedly tampers with the breaks of the neighbour’s wife’s car, and brandishes a twelve inch Bowie knife in the faces of their three young children (4, 7 and 8). The matter is eventually settled out of the court.

2009: Stuns an already fragile world with news of his resignation. Christian clerics declare that the resignation has been foretold in The Book of Revelations, and that the apocalypse is nigh. Mr Kenny himself admits that “this could be the end,” but insists he has no regrets.

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