The Origins of Easter (eggs)

65 million BC
From cave drawings, anthropologists know that early man often nestled hidden T-Rex eggs within the caves of friends, in prehistoric hi-jinx reminiscent of the hit show ‘Punked’. Upon hatching, the young Rex would usually maul the cave dweller for a while before vamoosing with a severed arm or leg — this was considered ‘fair enough’.

However, sometimes a furious mother Rex would stomp in and butcher and eat the entire tribe. In such cases, the joke was regarded as having backfired.

Cruelly airbrushed from the bible, is the fourth wise man (named Larry by the gospel according to Mathew) who visited the new born Jesus in Bethlehem. Conscious of the importance of protein to a young child, Larry pragmatically brought a punnet of free range duck eggs. Joseph, annoyed to be distracted from his gold, incense and myrrh for a bunch of “poxy eggs” (Joseph’s words, not mine), bid Larry take his leave, in what is believed to be the first recorded use of the word “scram”.

956 AD
Through the centuries, most cultures came to hold the egg as a symbol of rebirth. A civilisation called the Eggtonians briefly held dominance of the Peruvians jungles at the turn of the millennium. In their faith, every egg was a reincarnation of Eggolath, the egg lord, whose mighty shell surrounded the world (doing the job of what we know today as the Ozone layer), and whose sacred yolk sometimes sprayed the skies (I think the morons were talking about volcanoes).

The catch-22 for the Eggtonians was that their primary source of food was eggs, and eggs were too sacred to eat. Every man, woman and child died of starvation within six months.

1220 AD
Genghis Kahn organised the first recorded ‘egg hunts’, to amuse his troops during the sacking of the Jin Dynasty. A single quail egg would be hidden in the burnt remnants of a pillaged village, and one hundred soldiers tasked with its retrieval. The finder of the egg was heralded, showered in rose petals, and granted an audience with Kahn himself.

In what was considered a great honour, the victor was then beaten to death by the ninety-nine unsuccessful searchers, all of whom would live out their days in mild shame.

1584 AD
The legend of the bloodthirsty Easter Bunny first appears in European lore in the mid-sixteenth century. Children are told of a muscular, tattooed, chain-smoking, red-eyed, snarling bunny who visits their bedrooms on the eve of Easter Sunday. If the child slumbers, the bunny reluctantly leaves a cocoa egg; but if the child be waking, the bunny drags them into the sewer and removes their organs in a crude procedure devoid of anaesthesia or properly sterilised equipment.

Whilst this Gothic incarnation of the bunny mythology lasted decades, it is widely accepted to have failed in its purpose of coaxing hyperactive children to sleep. Instead, many terrified children are said to have been driven mad by dread, flinging themselves to their deaths from bedroom windows, or being committed to sanatoriums for the rest of their lives.

1888 AD
The first chocolate Easter eggs begin selling in markets across Europe and America. The early recipes, whilst sweet and tangy, are laden with asbestos. The ill-advised ingredient leads to the The Great Eggocide, in which over one hundred thousand children die of gastritis. It is still regarded as one of the worst humanitarian disasters of the last two hundred years. Pure chocolate recipes became the norm shortly after.

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