God Breaks His Silence on Evolution, Immaculate Conceptions, and Chris DeBurgh


Me: God, thanks for sitting down with me.
God: No problem.
Me: We know you’re busy.
God: Hmmm? Oh…yeah, sure.
Me: Although you can probably be everywhere at once, right?
God: Nope.
Me: But The bible says…
God: I wouldn’t go believing too much from The Bible.

Me: Well what can you do?
God: This.
Me: What? Nothing happened.
God: Look closely.
Me: Oh, wow. Your stubble.
God: Yep, gone. Didn’t even need a razor.
Me: Impressive. Anything else?
God: I can bring back the stubble. Want to see?
Me: Eh, maybe later.

Jesus: Hi Dad.
God: Huh? Oh, it’s you.
Jesus: Who’s this dork?
God: Ah, he runs some Mickey Mouse website down on the rock.
Jesus: What the hell’s he doing here?
God: Don’t know. Some kind of out of body experience. I think he's choking on a peanut M & M.
Me: Nice to meet you.
Jesus: Woah, no touchy, no touchy. Jesus no like to be touched.
Me: Fair enough.

Jesus: Ok if I go over to Judas’ gaff?
God: I don’t trust that jerk.
Jesus: Because of the thing? That was like, two thousand years ago Dad.
God: So? I’m a squillion years old.
Jesus: Well we buried the hatchet. Besides, he wants to talk to me about some investment thing. He makes a killing bringing me and nine other people in on it. I then bring ten of my own in, and I make a killing too.

Me: A pyramid scheme.
Jesus: A what?
Me: It sounds like a pyramid scheme.
Jesus: So?
Me: It’s a scam.
God: He’s right, it’s a scam. You didn’t give him any money, did you?
Jesus: Eh…no…no, I’ll catch you guys later.
Me: Bye Jesus.

Me: Can I begin the interview by saying, artists’ impressions of you have been way off.
God: I know…
Me: Red hair? I’d never have thought it.
God: …people are always surprised by that.
Me: You look remarkably like Mick Hucknall.
God: Ok, let’s move on.
Me: I mean, a little pudgier than Mick, but…
God: Easy there, tiger. You’re no waif yourself.
Me: Can’t you just magic away that pot belly, the way you magiced away the stubble?
God: I could magic away your penis? How’d that be?
Me: Ok, calm down, calm down.

Me: First question. What is the one true faith?
God: They’re all good.
Me: But if you had to choose one?
God: I like scientology. Those guys are pretty close to the truth.
Me: I knew it. And Tom Cruise?
God: Jesus 2.
Me: I God damned knew it. How does it work out for him?
God: Same as Jesus 1.
Me: Crucifixion?
God: Yep.
Me: In this day and age?
God: Yep. It’ll be a first for Beverly Hills, but that’s rowdy mobs for you.
Uncanny God lookalike

Me: Mary. Virgin?
God: What are you, a child?
Me: But The Bible says…
God: What did I tell you about paying attention to that book?
Me: So you did?
God: Nail her? Yeah, but she’ll never admit it.
Me: Because you look like Mick Hucknall?
God: One more. Just one more Hucknall joke. See what happens.
Me: How are things between you and Joseph?
God: You know, it’s awkward. That’s a very delicate, awkward situation.
Me: The Bible never fully deals with that whole, menage de trios.
God: I like Joseph, you know? But she needs to make a choice, instead of playing us off against each other.

Me: Your biggest mistake?
God: Probably Chris DeBurgh.
Me: What happened man?
God: Ah, it’s a long story. I just wasn’t at the races that day. I had a lot on my mind, and herself indoors was piping up with the whole immaculate conception thing. I blew it. I hold my hands up. I blew it.
Me: It’s just, the world has suffered much from DeBurgh.
God: I know, I screwed up. I apologise. I'm trying to make it up to people.
Me: How?
God: Global warming.
Me: Global warming? That's you?
God: Yeah. Thought I'd give everyone a bit of a toasty spell.
Me: Aw man, they're hysterical over that sh*t down there. Everyone's blaming CO2.
God: CO2? The stuff you exhale? For Jaysus' sake. I'm thinking it might be time for another flood.

Me: Was Darwin right about evolution, or did you create all life?
God: Yes and no.
Me: Surely it’s one or the other?
God: Well, I created a flock of ducks.
Me: Ducks?
God: Yes.
Me: And then what?
God: And that’s it.
Me: What? We’re all evolved from ducks?
God: That’s about the size of it.
Me: Jesus.
God: What?
Me: I don’t know. It’s disappointing, I guess. To be descendant from ducks.
God: Darwin said you’re descendant from single-celled organisms. How is that better?
Me: I don’t know, but it is. Better than a poxy quack factory.

Me: Some rapid fire questions. Did Lord Lucan kill that woman?
God: Yes.
Me: Did the IRA shoot Shergar?
God: Yes.
Me: Will machines eventually turn on their human masters and try to enslave humanity?
God: Yes.
Me: When?
God: 2012.
Me: Will they succeed?
God: No. You’ll just plug them out.

Me: What is the meaning of life?
God: To convert food into poo.
Me: Really? That’s it?
God: As I designed it, yes. I thought it would be funny.
Me: Was it?
God: Not really. Maybe in the beginning.
Me: Doesn't seem funny to me.
God: I guess you had to be there.
Me: Man. That’s even more disappointing than the duck thing.
God: You complain a lot. This interview is over.

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