Celebrity Tiling and Grouting 2009

In 2009 I approached several celebrities about partaking in a pilot reality program, during which they would be tasked with renovating a house. The cameras, it was explained, would be so well hidden that you “wouldn’t know they were there.”

I had already cut a hole in the ceiling above the downstairs toilet for disturbing reasons, and I used the fissure to communicate with the diarists as a ‘Big Brother’ style character. I managed to scam several days of unpaid work before things came to a head. I present now the Diary Room transcripts. Enjoy!


Celebrity Tiling and Grouting: Day 1 (11:04 am)



Big Foreman: Hello Johnny.
Johnny Logan: Jesus, who the f*ck is that?
Big Foreman: This is Big Foreman.
Johnny Logan: What the f*ck, I’m having a sh*t?
Big Foreman: Is there anything you’d like to talk about?
Johnny Logan: No, f*ck off you pervert.
Big Foreman: You are free to leave the diary room.
Johnny Logan: I’ll diary room you, you sick f*ck.



Celebrity Tiling and Grouting: Day 1 (14:26 am)


Big Foreman: Hello Rosanna.
Rosanna Davidson: Hello Big Foreman.
Big Foreman: Big Foreman wishes to make it known that you are free to avail of all the diary room’s facilities.
Rosanna Davidson: Do you think Johnny didn’t tell us? I’m not going to the toilet in here. Sure I can see you up there, peeping through that little hole.
Big Foreman: You are free to leave the diary room.
Rosanna Davidson: But I need to talk about Johnny. He’s really scaring.…
Big Foreman: You are free to leave the diary room.



Celebrity Tiling and Grouting: Day 2 (13:57 am)


Big Foreman: Hello Terrence.
Terrence Trent Derby: Hey, Big Foreman. What’s happening, dog?
Big Foreman: Please do not speak jive in the diary room.
Terrence Trent Derby: Say what?
Big Foreman: You deaf?
Terrence Trent Derby: This is how I roll, you dig?
Big Foreman: Last warning.
Terrence Trent Derby: Whatever man. I only came here to talk about the Eurovision guy, Logan. I ain’t never seen a temper like that. He put a knife to Rosanna’s throat last night, saying she stole his caviar from the fridge.
Big Foreman: Did she?
Terrence Trent Derby: Man, you know there ain’t no fridge. That's another thing. We haven’t eaten in 24 hours, man. What’s going on?
Big Foreman: Food is apportioned on a performance basis. Grout well and tile well, and food will be awarded.
Terrence Trent Derby: Whatever man, nobody’s down for this no more. It’s getting out of hand, and everybody’s scared. We want out, so please, just unlock the doors and windows.
Big Foreman: I’m afraid I can’t do that Terrence.
Terrence Trent Derby: What? Let us out.
Big Foreman: You are free to leave the diary room.
Terrence Trent Derby: Man, this I crazy.
Big Foreman: You are free to leave the diary room.



Celebrity Tiling and Grouting: Day 3 (08:04 am)


Big Foreman: Hello Al.
Al Pacino: WHO-HA! Big Foreman. How. Are you doin. My friend?
Big Foreman: Big Foreman is a bit stuffed. He pigged out on steak and chips.
Al Pacino: Really? Because we? We, my friend. Have not EATEN IN THREE DAYS. THREE DAYS. WHO-HA! WHO……HA!
Big Foreman: Al, food is awarded on a tiling and grouting basis.
Al Pacino: Then riddle me this, Big Foreman. How. Are we. Supposed to. WHO-HA. Get anything done, when this Johnny? This Johnny Logan? Is FREAKING OUT, my man. He’s freaking out, threatening to cut everybody.
Big Foreman: As you know Al, Big Foreman cannot interfere in the tiling and grouting operation.
Al Pacino: Then what use. Are you. To me. My friend? WHO-HA!



Celebrity Tiling and Grouting: Day 4 (10:42 am)


Big Foreman: Hello Rosanna.
Rosanna Davidson: So…weak now. Four days…no food.
Big Foreman: Big Foreman sympathises, but the tiling and grouting has been disappointing.
Rosanna Davidson: You must help…Terrence….really hurt….Johnny….out of control.
Big Foreman: AH JAYSUS.
Rosanna Davidson: What?
Big Foreman: Ah Jaysus, I’m after catching me finger on a rusty nail.
Rosanna Davidson: Please…let us...go.
Big Foreman: Ah, it’s bleeding and everything. Look, will you feck off? I have me own problems up here.



Celebrity Tiling and Grouting: Day 5 (15:01 pm)


Big Foreman: Hello Johnny.
Johnny Logan: Hello Big Foreman.
Big Foreman: Big Foreman thinks you sound healthier than the others.
Johnny Logan: Well, they’re too uppity to eat rats, so they’re pretty much starving to death.
Big Foreman: Big Foreman commends your survival nous.
Johnny Logan: What do you mean by that?
Big Foreman: Nothing. It’s a compliment.
Johnny Logan: You think I need compliments? Are you saying I’m weak?
Big Foreman: No. Not at all.
Johnny Logan: I’m going to end you, Big Foreman. I’m going to end you.
Big Foreman: No Johnny, wait.

(Sound of rapid footsteps through hall, footsteps up a stairs, breaking down of door)

Big Foreman: Please Mr Logan, no.
Johnny Logan: You and Al Pacino. You’re both the same, thinking I’m nothing.
Big Foreman: I don’t, I don’t. I love your music. I have all your records.
Johnny Logan: Really? What was my last Eurovision winner called?
Big Foreman: Eh…’All Kinds of Everything’?
Johnny Logan: That was Dana.
Big Foreman: Oh.
Johnny Logan: Prepare to meet thy doom.
Big Foreman: Ah Jaysus Johnny, not the face, not the face.

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Rant by www.rant.ie is licensed under a Creative Commons License. Copyright © 2009 Flann O'Coonassa