Horroscopes: Haley's Commet, Serial Killers, and the Ebola Virus

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)

Your tendency to close yourself off is hampering you. Try to open yourself to new experiences. The stars suggest you will be shocked by an unexpected work promotion this week. More shocking still, will be the double-decker bus that ploughs through you at a pedestrian crossing.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)

Try not to allow stress to anchor you. Work colleagues appreciate your efforts. Though you’ve prayed endlessly for a child, the stork that visits your homestead this week will destroy your property, terrorise your family, and ultimately warrant removal by the ISPCA.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 21)

Haley’s Comet dips behind Saturn this week, bringing love into your life. Unfortunately, it is a brand of physical love between a man and a horse that society deems unacceptable. You’ll argue otherwise at your trial, but that will only make matters worse.

Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22)

A gloom has shadowed you of late. You’ve cursed your luck, constantly wondering why it’s never your turn. The local serial killer has been wondering the same thing, and has decided today is the day. Wear nice underwear, because your headless, semi-naked torso will be splashed across the tabloids.

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)

Fifteen minutes of fame looms, as you become the first person in Ireland to contract the Ebola Virus. With inspirational courage and an iron will, you’ll just about survive, making it all the more devastating for your family when you choke to death on a chicken bone during a celebratory meal.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)

A new romantic interest will develop this week. They will shower you with love, affection, gifts and STDs. The love, affection and gifts will be just what you needed. The STDs will play havoc with your asthma.

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23)

Take heed of constructive criticism from work colleagues. Those do-gooders will be first to die during your gun-fuelled rampage this week. Then those whores in marketing. Then those smarmy gits in HR. And finally, you'll crumple into a sobbing heap and turn the gun on yourself. Unfortunately, the bullet will only glance your brain, making you a laughing stock among the murder-suicide community.

Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21)

Oooh. Man, I would not want to be you. Jesus H Christ. It’s absolute carnage. Oh, I think I’m going to…yep, I’m going to be sick. There is no God. No God would inflict this kind of horror on a person. That’s more physical pain than anyone should have to endure, in a thousand lifetimes.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Mercury is high in the Northern sky this month, spurring you to embrace adventure. You and your fellow plane-crash survivors, with good humour, will initially liken your predicament to the hit TV drama ‘Lost’. Starvation, dehydration, sun-stroke, dysentery, scurvy, two incidents of extreme violence and one incident of rape, will soon remind you of the boundary between TV and reality.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Do not dwell on past failures. Your family will always support you. Until they find out about that lady-boy thing last summer on your “Golf Trip” to Thailand. Then they’ll drop you like a flaming turd.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

A mysterious stranger will make a proposition that seems too good to be true, and you will accept. Unfortunately, whilst carefully planned, the bank job will be severely bungled. Despite making it clear that you would only participate under the condition of ‘nobody gets killed’, eight people (including two children) will die in a hail of bullets. As you stand behind a human shield, surrounded, you’ll lament how this was to be your last job before retirement. Moments later, the grizzled, loose-cannon detective who has dogged you for years, will kill you with an extremely risky head shot that could easily have killed your hostage instead.

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)

The trajectory of Uranus this week suggests you will win the lotto. Despite protesting that the money will not change you, in fact you will descend into madness with alarming swiftness. Unable to obtain planning permission for a solid gold, hundred foot statue of yourself, you will assemble a militia of highly-trained mercenaries to try and seize power of the Dáil. The bloody coup will be crushed within a day, and you'll spend the rest of your life in an institution for the criminally insane.

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