Readers Mailbag: Rubik's Cubes, Bruce Lee and Prince Charles

Click here to read my answers to questions on whether or not I invented the Rubik's Cube, my legendary fight with Bruce Lee, and my equally legendary scuffle with Prince Charles.

Final Page: 12 Angry Gobshites

In the latest instalment of my ‘Final Page’ series, I now present the last page of my courtroom drama ‘12 Angry Gobshites’. First published in 1964, reviews were unkind. The New York Times called it “…a novel of such ground-breaking awfulness, one has to ask if humankind shouldn’t now step aside and allow monkeys to come through as the dominant primates.”

The London Times followed a similar line, asking “…has humanity overstayed its welcome? Should we now join the dinosaurs in extinction? On the evidence of this novel, it is hard to justify our continued consumption of the earth’s resources. We are a failed species.”

Lofty criticism indeed. Click here to read on.

Horoscopes: Tightrope walking, tornadoes and Frankenstein

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)

The term 'Office Romance' is redefined when a janitor discovers you having sex with a photocopier. A perfect storm of paper jam and simultaneous penis jam scuppers your plan for a quick getaway. Though collaterally-damaged pubes (shorn by the fire brigade's angle grinding equipment) regrow in weeks, slower to recover is your esteem among colleagues.

Click here to read more

Interview with Jedward and Simon Cowell

Read my exclusive interview with Jedward and Simon Cowell by clicking here.

Readers' Mailbag: David Hasselhoff, Ballroom Dancing and Predator

Read my answers to questions on David Hasselhoff, Ballroom Dancing and the movie Predator by clicking here.

Bob Geldof? Rob Ripof, more like…

Like so many of his generation, Bob Geldof idolised me in the early 80s. He made no secret of modeling ‘The Boomtown Rats’ on my band, ‘The Council Estate Speckle-tailed Hamsters’. To read how the shaggy wanker went on to steal my idea for Band Aid, click here.

Back’n'Forth with the Movers and Shakers

As a globally celebrated renaissance man, naturally I’ve gained the ear of many public figures throughout the decades. Often I’ve had occasion to correspond privately with these movers and shakers via email, text message, letters, and in extreme circumstances, assassin-o-grams. On a whim, I now betray the trust and privacy of these putzes by publishing a selection of the more notable exchanges. Click here to read on!

Interview with Satan

Following from my recent interview with God, I caught up with Satan to find out how things are going in the eternal, fiery pit of Hades. Click here to read on!

Ambush in Saigon (continued)

I now present the final page of my war novel ‘Ambush in Saigon’ (if you missed it, read the first page here). In 1986, The Irish Times branded the book “…historically inaccurate on a Sergeant Bilko scale.”

The Independent was less kind, calling it “…an affront not only to war veterans and humankind generally, but perhaps to the universe, and the very fabric of space/time itself.” Click here to read on.

Final Page: Ambush in Saigon

In a delicious twist on my ‘Final Page’ series, I now present the first page of my war novel ‘Ambush in Saigon’, with the final page to follow tomorrow. Having done literally no research into the Vietnamese war during the writing, I feel the book (published in 1986) benefited from the absence of facts and truths, which could have distracted the reader. Some branded my approach lazy, monstrous and grotesque. My critics were less kind. Click here to read.

Horoscopes: lion-taming, time travel and great white sharks

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)

Be assertive with colleagues this week. Don’t be afraid to lay down the law. Though you’ll spontaneously combust at midday on Sunday, a torrential downpour will douse the flames and spare your life. You’ll barely have regained your composure when an escaped zoo orangutan named ‘Ghandi’ savages you to death in front of your traumatised children.

To read on, click here....

Oasis Split Dooms the Earth

The music world was effectively ended last week with the news that Noel Gallagher has quit Oasis. Rioting predictably erupted in all 147 of the world’s countries, causing the earth’s rotation to unsettle two centimeters from its usual axis, thereby setting us on a collision course with the sun for early 2011. Click here to read on.

Readers' Mailbag: Madonna and Scatman John

Read my answers to reader questions on Madonna, Scatman John and seal clubbing by clicking here.

Interview with Michael Jackson (via Uri Geller)

In his first interview since dying, the King of Pop Michael Jackson sits down for a chin-wag via the psychic ducting of Uri Geller’s frontal lobe. I shit you not. Click here to read!

Final Page: Sense and Prejudicability

In the latest instalment of my ‘Final Page’ series, I now present the last page of my period drama ‘Sense and Prejudicability’. First published in 1992, my agent Diane begged me to remove ‘Prejudicability’ from the title, on account of it not being a word. I told her that if she gave me any more lip, I’d replace ‘Sense’ with ‘Gumptionality’. Check mate. Click here to read.

Questions and Answers (with Ronaldo and Paris Hilton)

Click here for a hard-edged current affairs debate between Cristiano Ronaldo, Gerry Adams, Paris Hilton and Bertie Ahern.

Readers' Mailbag: Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Dealing with Hobos

Read my answers to reader questions on Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton, and how to effectively deal with pesky hobos by clicking here.

Final Page: Vito Schillaci

In another instalment of my ‘Final Page’ series, I now present the last page of my gritty Mafia novel ‘Vito Schillaci’. Though critical response was muted when first published in 1987, the Mafia did visit my home, and in my absence, beat my grandmother into a coma. I always felt vindicated by their violence. Click here to read.

Begrudgoscopes: African Rhinos, Frankfurters and Filipino Brides

Once again harnessing my mail-order astrology degree, I bring you another round of flawlessly accurate horoscopes. Try to act surprised when these cast-iron certainties occur.

Final Page: Grizzled Justice

In another instalment of my ‘Final Page’ series, I present the last page of my crime novel ‘Grizzled Justice’. First published in 2003, it reinvented the buddy-cop genre by mismatching bickering partners 15% more than had previously been seen, making their loose-cannon behaviour 8% more irresponsible and unorthodox, and toning down distractions like character development and coherent plotting. Click here to read it.